Computer error: System crashes

By Rypvanwinkle,The SundayTimes

My Dear Bandula and SB, I thought I must write a letter to you to congratulate you on the successful completion of the Advanced Level examination because I know very well that you will not be writing letters these days-especially at a time when everyone else is demanding your letters of resignation! I really cannot understand why everyone is making such a fuss about this exam, Bandula and SB. Only some 300,000 students — out of a population of twenty million people — sat for this exam and that is just over one in every hundred people and it is as if the entire country was involved! Why, just about a year ago, didn't we have a 'computer error' affecting the fortunes of some ten million people who voted — and that is one in every two people in the country — and as far as I can remember, no one made such a fuss about it or asked anyone to resign! And what's more, you have been honest enough to come forward, face the people and tell the public that all this was due to a computer error and that it was not your fault, so what more do they want? You mustn't take notice of these trouble makers, Bandula and SB. Of course, in other countries, ministers do resign when something goes wrong. But this is Sri Lanka and that is why we call it Paradise! In this country, only cricket captains resign and some of them don't even do that, so why should both of you, of all people, resign, Bandula and SB? Of course, there is the occasional student who has been issued with results in Civics when he has sat the exam in Physics but as you would know, Bandula, sometimes when you want to buy a 'bittarey' from a shop they give you a 'pattarey'. So, all you have to do is to correct the mistake! Then there are the stories about exam papers being found in a garbage bin somewhere. Again, didn't we have marked ballot papers in a drain somewhere, not so long ago? I think they must praise you instead of blaming you because you were able to find those papers before someone could mark them! I heard that people are also blaming you for charging for re-correction of answer papers. It is funny, isn't it, when they blame you, no matter what you do? Here they are, complaining that their results are not accurate and when you offer them re-correction, they complain about that too! Just imagine the benefits to everyone: the students get their answer papers looked at again, the postal department makes a tidy profit by handling all the applications for re-correction and the examinations department makes a windfall with all the charges they levy and everyone should be happy. Of course, Bandula and SB, you have to charge a fee — even if the results were incorrect because of a computer error. Then you can collect a massive amount of money with which you can buy better computers next year, so that this will not happen again… And just imagine what would happen if you don't charge a fee? Mahinda maama will have to list the examinations department as a loss-making institution and take it over — and you don't want that to happen, do you? Why, sometimes he even takes over institutions that are running at a profit! Then they blame you, SB, for this mess over the 'Z score' and the district ranking. Surely, SB, we all know that becoming a politician is the only job you can get without any educational qualification, not even the 'Pahey Shishyatvaya'! And, judging by the manner in which some of your colleagues behave in Parliament we are not sure whether they have stepped in to a school, even to take shelter from the rain! And here they are, blaming you for not understanding what the 'Z score' and the district rankings are! Why don't you tell them, SB, that the only score you are interested in is the cricket score — and these days, you must be losing interest in that too — and that the only ranking you were interested in was Susanthika's when she ran the Olympics and you were the Minister of Sports. I know, Bandula and SB, that Mahinda maama has appointed a committee to discuss this exams issue but you needn't worry about that. That, as someone once said, will be like a visit to the toilet: they will have a sitting, some deliberation, make a little noise and then finally drop the matter! So congratulations, Bandula and SB, on doing a tough job very well. We know you will get through this difficult period because fewer people — those with a sense of shame and decency — would have failed but you are sure to succeed because both of you have been blessed with thick skins and thicker skulls! Yours truly, Punchi Putha. PS: If you really wanted someone to reign over this you could have tried the IGP method: remember, there was a police shooting, someone died and the IGP was asked to resign a few days before retirement and then sent as an ambassador somewhere? You could have asked the Commissioner of Examinations to resign because he was due to retire anyway and then sent him as our High Commissioner to Bangladesh, where copying and cheating at exams is quite 'normal'. I am sure he would have really felt at home there!